"Our joy and fulfilment in a relationship is defined by the romantic experience we create for eachother. This experience is shaped by the courage and creativity with which we are willing to express our emotions."
This is a text message I sent a lover a few years back who wasn't providing me with the emotional experience (read, "attention") I was after.
At the time, the bigger conversation did wonders for his short term interest where he was temporarily encouraged to step up his servitude towards me.
Now, I know most "hard-to-getters" are having their hairs stand on end at this decidedly open and frank demand on my behalf (I did ask him to step up and show me that he was thinking of me - indeed a rather emotionally available comment, when I think back!). However, a deeper part of me simply made the choice that I didn't want to spend my weeks feeling insecure about the intentions of the man who had seen me gyrating naked only several nights prior.
Fast forward 5 years, and I know now that perhaps men do need a little longer to emotionally catch up... So should I have just left it and not said anything to that old flame? After all the outcome was great upfront, but then ultimately it ended direly. Indeed, I am still as confused as ever about this whole "playing it cool" thing.
I've had relationships where it was intense and cozy from the start - and remained that way until the end (until it no longer didn't). I've had even more men blow torch me with attention up front, only then to pull back suddenly and infuriatingly (Did I say something wrong? Was I not enough of a challenge? Or is he simply a committment-phone who would do said thing to even Cindy Crawford?).
This is the domain that confuses me most - is the success rate with a man early on increased if you hold off a bit at the start, letting it simmer and build? Or is it best to be open and yourself completely from the start... and if it doesn't work, it was never meant to be?
(When I recieve answers to this in person, almost everyone says that they want openness and honesty, but actually respond to the challenge.... the perils of human nature!)
One thing I I do understand is this:
The most important element of courtiship and seduction is remaining relaaaaxed. Yes, men will oft be slow to catch up to your commitment clock (unless they are totally self-evolved and emotionally available... but that is fodder for another post). And whilst the majority of 'men' (well, those under 35 anyway... in which case are they even men??) are in no rush to cohabit cozily (even with a Goddess like you... yet)... it may be important that the decision to move things forward comes from them.
Until then, reward their initiative and give them plenty of time to scratch their heads by leading a fabulous life which they would be knocking down walls to be a part of. Be realistic about where he is at and meet him on that level... if he is casual, so are you - because your life is filled with other dates, hobbies and interests that keep your heart aflame and alive.
Too often I see women wanting "boyfriend" behaviour from a guy who is just "casually hanging out" (myself - guilty!). It's a recipe for losing power (and this blog is alll about feminine power). Please - readjust your expectations of him to "casual date" and go find someone wonderful who'll claim you fully.
Finally, I think it's healthy to have a bit of longing - it is all a part of the romantic experience and allows us to know the depth and breadth of our feelings. Don't take all the challenge (ie degree of longing) out of courtship, or you'd be doing your romantic self a great disservice. Like in any area of life, instant gratification just leads to apathy. Keep the string of chemistry taught with just the right, playful amount of disclosure and restraint. But do it to keep things energised for you - not to entrap and manipulate him. Presto?
Being a challenge, being available, early dating rules, being yourself... Dying to hear your thoughts on this!