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  • Writer's pictureAlina B

Here is why you're single

Updated: Feb 27

Women want love. We want our hearts and bodies and souls nourished. And I don't think we have to apologise for it. Love is healing, nourishing, illuminating and natural. It's what makes humanity human. It's what reverses a course of maladies in our bodies and harmonises families, societies and communities in peril. It is EVERYTHING.

So why do we, as single, accomplished women feel guilty when we want to share our life with someone? When we yearn for a partner, or feel lonely at weddings or Saturday nights? Our cultural vernacular makes us feel like we're 'pathetic' or 'anti-feminist' for pinning our hopes on a man... but the fact is, with the right man, love is beautiful. Life is a harmony that while full of challenges, also gives us buoyancy and support. If your heart desires divine Union, you should trust that cardiac intelligence, and be pulled in the direction to explore it. Own it, embrace it, celebrate, and announce it... YES! I want love! - declare it to the world. Allow your inner freedom of owning your desire to open your heart even more with someone, to and for someone... and have them open that back to you in turn, act like a magnet to another heart that is seeking the same. So the question is, if love is so natural and human, and we all want it and are built... why are we so devoid of it? Why are there are so many lonely, angry, divorced, traumatised and disconnected humans? You are kind, accomplished, pretty... a wonderful friend. So the question is, you may ask when you glance in the mirror is.... Why am I still single?

When you have all the trimmings of being a good partner, (I work out. I'm an amazing cook. I'm a kind, caring person. I love sex and, dang, I'm good at it. I am dedicated to knowledge and growth. All my friends think I'm a legend), it can be baffling why you can be the one 'left of the shelf', when so many seemingly more selfish, asshole-ish people seem to be happily partnered and living their best lives.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?

In our society, we're taught that we're worthy only when we've done 'the work'. Only when are we fully healed or fixed or whole, is when we're ready and deserving of that great love. But what does 'doing the work' actually mean?

Have you, for instance, looked at your relationship patterns and figured out how your mom and dad played a role in it?

Have you done Vipassana or gone to a meditation camp to get to the root of your pain? Have you read relationship books, been to therapy or done a few online relationship courses?

This is all incredible valuable work that 90% of the population don't even do - because you have woken up. You have started to unravel where it all started to go backwards, what you maybe did wrong and what you should do better next time.

Unfortunately, if your romantic results aren't changing, then there is another piece of the puzzle missing. And that puzzle piece is perhaps hidden in the deeper part of your psyche. If there is a part of your heart that you won't allow someone to touch, then that protection mechanism lies in the part of the subconscious that those courses or therapies don't get to.

So while you're working on yourself and thinking you're making progress, a deeper wounded part of your spirit remains unaddressed. And just when you feel ready to dive back into dating pool again, something always 'comes up' - and halts a new connection in its tracks when you least expect it.

I'll give you an example:

My friend Skye*, who is just a terrific woman. She's sensuous and playful, with a voracious mind. She loves her spiritual work for depth. She is charisma on legs and the life of the party.

Yet as soon as she sees someone she likes, she shuts down her energy and plays it so cool that it's glacial. Her trauma is to be so fearful of rejection, that she gives no signals of interest, and even acts stand-offish and aloof. So people she likes think that's she's not interested, that they read her early signals wrong and go find someone else. And guess what? She feels rejected. To Skye, she is always left convinced she did something wrong, or guys got to know the real her and don't like her. Everything plays through that "I am unlovable" filter. Because of this deeper blindspot where she goes inward to protect herself, she can't see that SHE is the one who shuts down her energy. SHE is the one who is doing the rejecting first. And so many of us... when we can't see these subtle mechanisms of our inner workings remain skidding on the surface, fearing more disappointment or to let someone in. When the traumas and micr0agressions build up in your system, we spend a life time dodging people who enter deeply into our heart so as to avoid re-living similar pain. It is why perhaps we date the wrong people. Because they are the ones that allow us to wear a mask and to stay in that protective identity.

As soon as we meet someone who forces us to look within and drop our guard... the risk of someone of seeing our true soul... we run away or we sabotage that connection as if to say.... don't look inside! It is ugly what you'll find. Yet nothing could be further from the truth.

Inside we are beautiful and loveable and whole.

Nothing is broken at our core. We just have some painful interference with our authentic self... and this is what we need to process. And while this trauma continues to lurk within and guard our full emotional experience, we will continue to sabotage, even when we think we're going about our normal life. Isn't this why so many of us date the wrong person - in order to avoid that deeper emotional void? The 'safe' guy you feel no passion about (but he'll always take you out). The young lover who can't hold a conversation, but always willing to join you in your lonely bed. The younger woman who has a crush on you, but wants the family you'll never give her?

These types of 'uneven' dynamics don't trigger our rejection button as much, or that icky feeling of being unlovable. It's safe, but it's unremarkable.

So if you haven't addressed the anxiety that comes up at each new intimate moment, then it doesn't matter whether you've just meditated that morning, read your affirmations or thumbed through a relationship book... our self-sabotage will spike any time you get closed to someone that make break that trauma pattern... even if they're good for you.

This subtle sabotage can take various forms: It can be avoidance, such as disappearing from Messenger, making excuses to catch up, canceling on someone last minute, suddenly getting 'busy' or outright ghosting phone calls. Sabotage can also look like constantly testing someone in order to protect yourself. Would they go 30 minutes out of their way to pick you up? Will they still love you if you were a worm? Are they OK with you upholding incredibly high standards (such as you lose it anytime they forget to open a car door)? Ever deleted someone's number because they didn't message you for an hour - or a day? Sabotage can also look like working overtime to prove how 'perfect' you are as a partner. It can be as drastic as tolerating abuse of any kind, because being treated like garbage is better than being alone. Or as simple as cooking a three course meal, cleaning their place and acting wifey - all before your fifth date... before you've even assessed whether this person is appreciative and receptive to your generous efforts.

You'll play on the sidelines because you're scared. And no matter how accomplished you are... you will never feel the depth of your happiness if there is a part of you that's terrified to fall in love.

So how do we let all this go and open our hearts again?

When trauma is stuck in our cells, we need to transmute it. We don't need to fix or make better, but rather allow our innate intelligence to access and release this old debris from our system, so our light can shine again.

This has nothing to do with mindset. You short-circuit not because of your thoughts, but because of the internalised trauma of past experiences that live inside your BODY. Whenever your subconscious is trying to avoid a past romantic rejection, transgression, broken promise, heartbreak or romantic failure... you stop being in your higher, centred self and regress to the wounded teenager you once were. So, we MUST release this emotional build up from your cellular memory.

You don't need to keep trying so hard to find love, or abandoning the quest all together - you just need a process that works. In my 15 years as a coach and energy worker, the modality of Psych-K continues to be the best and fastest way to collapse and reset those negative patterns. By engaging both hemispheres of the brain, anyone can release outdated stories from the subconscious and embody more congruent, empowering beliefs. It's when the heart and mind work together in a dialogue that the body can reset it's blue-print. I carefully designed the Relationship RESET Session as a safe space to connect with and harmonise the subtle inner parts you DON'T see that stand in the way of a healthy partnership. When you start to break free from those patterns, you can meet and sustain a soul-connection you deserve.

Book your session below and start to open the pathways for the love that was always coming your way.


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