• Alina B


Updated: Jan 11

Have you looked at yourself and thought, why am I still single?

I work out. I'm an amazing cook. I'm a kind, caring person. I love sex and, dang, I'm good at it.

All my friends think I'm a legend.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?

It's really frustrating, because in our society, we're taught that when we're perfect, we're worthy. When we've done 'the work', only then are we fully healed / fixed / ready for love. But what does doing the work actually mean?

Have you, for instance, looked at your relationship patterns and figured out how your mom and dad played a role in it?

Have you done Vipassana or gone to a meditation camp to get to the root of your pain? Even done a few relationship courses?

Great! So now you understand what you want and what you're doing wrong.

Unfortunately, if your romantic results aren't changing, then that particular form of naval gazing didn't work. You need to try something else.

I know, because I was single for SO long - and never have I felt more rejected by men than when I was constantly doing 'personal development work'.

Why is that, I wonder? Because your love-sabotaging patterns lie in a part of the subconscious that those courses or therapies don't get to.

They're buried away, while you think you're working on yourself, telling yourself stories of your spiritual growth, but the wounded teenager of your dating life remains unaddressed. But just when you think you're ready for love, these patterns pop up to sabotage you when you least expect it. Such as, when you start a conversation with someone you like, just as you yearn to make an impression BANG, they show up.

I'll give you an example:

David works on himself, meditating twice a day. He also does yoga and has the mala beads from a Swami in India to prove it.

A confident guy who runs his own business, Dave is warm and capable of good banter. But when he catches feelings, he gets instantly friend-zoned. WHY?

Because he displays weak, 'like me, like me' behaviours. He splashes money on women who don't deserve it, trying to buy their affections with champagne bottles - rather than back his personality. He becomes and 'agony aunt', listening to women's problems about other guys, and drops everything at the last minute to come help them with their errands. Women he just met already think he tries to hard. The ladies think he's a 'nice guy', but don't want him to F**ck his brains out. The thought of being married to him conflicts them, as their mother would think he's husband material, but the over-bearing puppy dog shtick would drive them man.

I'm sorry if this is not what you hope to hear, but our primal brain is more dominant than mental logic. You don't need to feel ashamed of - or apologising for - craving the strong masculinity of a quietly confident Alpha man, rather than try to enjoy the obviously overwhelming affections of a a man who's self-esteem depends on your approval.

Doing the 'work' is valuable only if it gets to the core of our wounding - and helps RELEASE the pain (but more on that later). David's meditation practice may keep him calm and clear, but it does not help him meet women. As long as the reason why he has to over-compensate with women lurks deep in his psyche, he'll continue attracting women who take advantage of him... and keep wondering where it all goes wrong.

Let's also look at my friend Skye*... by all accounts, an awesome woman. Sexy as F-k, and also has amazing banter. Reads a lot and is generally 'awake'. Loves Burning Man. Eats vegan. Lives her life through Vedic philosophy.

But as soon as she likes someone, she shuts down, plays it cool, gives no signals of interest and acts stand-offish to the one she fancies - in fear of being rejected. The men are perplexed and think she's playing games... and never call - they think she's not keen and place attentions elsewhere.

Isn't this why so many of us date the wrong person - in order to avoid emotional vulnerability? The 'safe' guy you feel no passion about (but he'll always take you out). The young lover who can't hold a conversation, but always willing to join you in your lonely bed. The younger woman who has a crush on you, but wants the family you'll never give her?

These types of 'uneven' dynamics don't trigger our rejection button as much, or that icky feeling unsafe or unlovable.

So if you haven't addressed the anxiety that comes up at each new intimate moment, then it doesn't matter whether you've just meditated that morning, read your affirmations or thumbed through a relationship book... your self-sabotage will spike any time you get closed to someone that's good for you.

The intrinsic sabotage of your happiness can take on various forms: Sabotage can be avoidance, such as disappearing off Messenger, making excuses, canceling on someone, suddenly getting 'busy' or outright ghosting phone calls. Sabotage can also look like getting defensive, sassy or sarcastic. Testing whether someone would go out of their way for you (eg. pick you up 40 minutes in the opposite direction), lashing out if they say a stupid joke, or upholding incredibly high standards.

Ever deleted someone's number because they didn't message you for an hour - or a day? Sabotage can also look like working overtime to prove how 'perfect' you are as a partner. It can be as drastic as tolerating abuse of any kind, because being treated like garbage is better than being alone. Or as simple as cooking a three course meal, cleaning their place and acting wifey - all before your second date -. before you've even assessed whether this person is worthy of your generous efforts.

You sabotage a genuine connection because you're scared, and it's the only way you know to protect your heart. Unfortunately, despite your inner work you may keep doing it - unless you do the work to properly un-f**k your happiness.

So what to do instead?

For a start, this has nothing to do with mindset. You short-circuit not because of your thoughts, but because of the internalised trauma of past experiences that live inside your BODY. Whenever your subconscious is trying to avoid a past romantic rejection, transgression, broken promise, heartbreak or romantic failure... you stop being an 'enlightened being' (despite 5 trips to India) and regress to the wounded teenager you once were. We MUST release this emotional build up from your cellular memory.

Do you really need to keep bringing every painful ghost into your bed (or dinner date)? If you're a high functioning, successful person, it may frustrate you that you have a blind-spot you haven't nailed, but thankfully a solution is at hand. You don't need to keep trying so hard to find love, or abandoning the quest all together, simply because you've been carrying the bullshit belief in your energy field that you're 'damaged goods' (or similar). In my 15 years as a coach and energy worker, the whole-brain modality of Psych-K continues to be the best and fastest way to collapse and reset those negative patterns. By engaging both hemispheres of the brain, anyone can release outdated stories from the subconscious and embody more congruent, empowering beliefs. The Relationship RESET Session I've designed JUST for this process, for high-functioning, self-aware people like you, to focus on liberating you from the subtle inner parts you DON'T see that stand in the way of a healthy partnership. When you start to break free from those patterns, you can meet and sustain a soul-connection you deserve.