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o you sometimes end up with lovely guys who treat you like a queen - but who you only have luke-warm feelings for?
All too often, we hook into relationships because we feel a particular man will enhance our lives. Better friends, better parties, better restaurants. We adore them and think they are great... but deep down know we want a deeper, more genuine connection.
Well I am here to say that if a man doesn't totally rock your world - open you deeply, sexually, emotionally (and you'd know it if he was) - then you are settling. And any decision made by fear, not by choice is ultimately a debilitating one.
This post is here to help you cultivate the inner stature that you need to thrive and blossom on your own so that the next man you shack up with is even more magnificent that your magnificent existence.
See, the reason I write this is because I am the first and foremost guilty member of the "you complete me" club. For years, I have oh-so-gladly and subconsciously given my power away to boyfriends. Life was so much easier when a strong competent male made decisions for me. Where to eat, what we're doing, which virus software to get for my computer.... Sound familiar?
Now, I know that those directional qualities are what's beautiful about the Masculine. And of course, it's fun to do gadget talk with boys! What I am talking about is the dependence I felt on those decisions. Without that empowered directionality, I felt like a "little girl lost".
I know the women reading this will fall into two camps:
There are the women who have come full circle on this journey, saying "derr girl - grow up! Of course you've gotta be your own woman before you can expect a healthy coupling with a man!".
And the other women who are saying "Uh-oh... I kinda relate... I always feel deep down that a boyfriend will make my life easier, grander, more fun".
This post is for the second group - because inadvertently giving your power away like that will end you up with the wrong man. Every time. It will also incapacitate you in ever knowing your own strength, self-worth and massive capability to achieve amazing and surprising dreams.
So, what is that part of you that would rather forgo true love in favour of security?
Hey - what is wrong with security, you ask?
Nothing, per se. What I have an issue with is a relationship that is based on fear of being alone, rather than love. You are entrapping the other... and you are entrapping your self. It's like you're saying to the Universe: "I don't trust You, I don't trust Myself, I don't trust Men... And so I will take what's given to me rather than risk for some Ultimate Fantasy".
Ask, and ye shall receive ladies.
I just hope that you ask to be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually met by a man. That is the fertile breeding ground for a love that will challenge, open and expand you into the woman you were always yearning to be - provided you let it.
And this is where cultivating YOUR inner masculine comes in - so that you don't need to get your social, emotional needs met by a man that you are not absolutely crazy about.
In simple terms, I am talking about your ability to thrive and survive in the world. I am talking about your ability to succeed and make yourself so blindingly juicy and happy that a man would need to really show up to get your attention. You are blooming, he loves the challenge... It is based on fun and attraction and possibility and desire... (much better than accepting a drink date at the last minute 'cos you hate what's on TV, I say).
Entertain yourself. Go to amazing restaurants. Go to the Opera.... Heck, a weekend away. Make amazing progress at work and manifest a major pay rise - whatever it is that you are secretly hoping will be taken care of when you have a boyfriend - do it now.
Now, I know this is old news, and most us modern women already do this... but only to some degree. It feels like, amongst my peers, we are only playing life at 70%, still hoping that a "perfect" man will enable to take it 100%.
I say - play it at 110%!
Give yourself everything you've ever wanted, yes... but remove the feelings of loneliness, frustration and pining for a man - OK?
The part in you that is OK to be in the world on your own - that is your inner masculine. The part in you that doesn't need to be rescued or pandered to on any level? Yups - inner masculine. If you don't feel like you can thrive here 100% solo, you will be hooking in the wrong men. This a co-dependent dynamic maketh. This is your little girl not wanting to be a grown, independent woman.
I think a lot of us are really gracious and grateful when enjoying the treats and spoils of man... until we come to expect them. I have never ever expected them. But when they came, I was greatly relieved - and not only because my boyfriend was such a sweetheart. But becausesecretly I was scared I would not have been able to do it on my own. And that is what I am trying to break.
Financial independence, freedom to travel, being a culture vulture and entertaining queen... these are my new responsibilities. At least for the time anyway. So when I do choose to merge with a man , I want to add value. I want to give more, take less. My needs are my own to look after. Only then am I free to bring the most beautiful, strong, and liberating parts of myself to a man who I choose because he is even more magnificent than my full, solo life.
Stop pining for something that you are not even entirely sure you want. Many, many people are bored in their relationships and are lying to themselves just to hold up an illusion. Do not be one of those people.
Start bringing the value of your Feminine... It only blossoms when you become secure in yourself. It is the Wild Woman in you that lets go and celebrates herself. It's you being drunk on your own company, ready to take on life and receive life in full. And only you can bring about your own security when you trust yourself. And you trust yourself when you provide for your core needs. You know you can do it. You know you are completely OK on your own.
So, what are some ways you can enhance your independence and celebration of life? Have you ever been guilty of staying in a relationship because it seemed a better option than being alone? How have your relationship dynamics changed when you began to "grow up"?