In our increasing quest for girl-control it's often easy to make men in the 'wrong'.
He doesn't call... he won't commit... he asks you out too late in the week... clearly he's the 'emotional retard' here, right? Not so fast.
Certainly, men still have a lot to learn in the finer points of romance and communication :) However, you can either jar him into further inaction by acting angry and entitled, or you can gently coax out his sweet spot by being the sort of woman he wants to give the world to.
Grrr... I hear you say. 'Why do I have to do all the work again? Why can't men just get a clue??'
Well maybe once upon a time men did have a clue. They called and courted (and yes, Mad-Men style chauvenised) until Feminism stepped in. The pendulum swung the other way, with men being made to feel wrong and guilty for their crimes against us - so all notions of directional masculinity has been bra-burnt out of them, lest we take offence at their further 'wrong doings'.
The modern times are all about finding a balance - between empowerment in our life and work choices as well as our feminine and masculine natures.
And ladies, since we have a few extra communication neurons... it needs to start with us. I promise it's worth it.
So lets begin with a reminder of how male energy works.
He's either drawn to you or he's not. Think about how their anatomy works and you will once again get the picture. There is much you can do to magnetise and inspire him to point in your direction so that this urge is automatic, versus expecting him to give what he's not feeling to give (its like yelling at a limp penis).
So, if a man isn't giving you what you want, it's because he either doesn't feel to; or he would like to connect more but he doesn't know how to because somewhere along the line he too lost a bit of faith in himself... (and would like just a little sweetness and encouragement, OK?).
The reality is, we are angry at men for all the times they couldn't do the 'obvious' and let us down. But us women need to take some responsibility too and learn the 'obvious' when it comes to guys.
Most of us want a man to 'step up'... Take charge and claim us and assert his Masculinity. However, if you want him to be fully in his Masculine, you need to work with that Masculinity... not fight it, like we have been known to.
Along with directionality, drive and dominion - aloofness, detachment and space equally make up the Male force! You need to work with all of it - not just demand the parts that you want.
If you want to get the best out of a man, you need to give him the best part of what makes you a woman - your softness, femininity and warmth. What if, rather than making him feel like a clueless bastard, you treat it as a game where he is your affable love student and you are his wise and omni-potent tutor? Show him how to treat you, how to love in a way that makes him feel safe... and watch his imagination and willingness come alight.
If he really has been misbehaving, don't play games. State it directly and take time out. Do not sulk and be cryptic.. it's immature.
When he 'jerks' you around from time to time, it's probably not his intent. Be in your power and state your boundaries calmly - but don't lose your head (or your self-worth) over it. It's very rare that to torture you is a man's intent. He just wants to do his thing.
The men I speak to are just as confused as we are. The reality is, no one taught us how to really love - our modern lives are largely defined by self-protection mechanisms and a quest to get what we want (rather than to really give).
So if his behaviour is hurting you, be courageous enough feel into what's really going on beneath the surface - rather than buy into his mask of indifference. Sometimes it's wise to know when to walk away - but you will never really know how you feel if your lovability (for yourself first and foremost) is blocked by a cloud of offence.
And no matter what you decide and where you take your connection... Be kind and wish him well. After all, he's learning to love also.
Til next time,
Alina xx